The New Blog

Anti-Dentite Drunk

When I close my eyes currently the room spins.

I decided not to be a dentist and then I drank in celebration.  I have never enjoyed family guy so much in my life.  though now he won't respond to me.  her I am wishing the room would be still so that I could sleep and he won't even respond.

Kim and I had drunken conversation.  Oh man, what a night.

Time to move forward though eh?

PS- You're not supposed to know, (hell, I'm not suppoesd to know), but my grandpa has lung cancer.

So Done Asking For Your Advice

So I have some lyrics that I found that sort of finally explain what I've been trying to say all along-
If I look away
Doesn't mean I don't see
And just because I want
Someone when I'm alone
Doesn't mean I'm helpless
That I can't stand on my own
How far can we go before we break?
How long can I wait?

The fact is, everyone judges me on the fact that I move quickly with my crushes, but I think you are all just wasting your time.  Someone is either going to work, or they aren't.  I actively figure it out, and move forward with my life.  You keep explaining it to me, telling me that I should be spending more time on one or taking a break from it.  I don't care what you say.  Losers take breaks.  Losers get more sleep.  Losers let people die while they wait around for something to come in their place and help them figure it out.  What we have now is what we have now, and if we don't work in the now, we get fucked in the future.

I spent this break really being unable to pour my soul out to my blog due to the readers that it has and it really kicked my ass. It came to the choice of- do I say what I mean and be mean in what I say or keep my friends and lose the emotional battle underneath.

Anyway, the fact is, the people I previously were telling everything to- Louie, Phil, Diane, John, Skog, Alexis, and my suitemates were benched due to the amount of contact I had with them.  Some, I realized, only were going to judge me no matter what because they had such a limited knowledge of me, despite my previous thoughts.  Some were separated by distance and time and I plan to dive back into it when I get back to Omaha.  Then there were the two who's relationships w/ me changed drastically on a very intimate and close to home way in the last month, who I am still trying to figure out how to communicate with.

I claimed I would never censor my blog but you have made liars of me.  From here on, no more censoring since I can't use basically any of you for advice.  I will assign pseudonyms for the people I write about, but I will write what I feel.

Christmas Eve- All the Fabulous Things Before 8 pm

It is Christmas Eve, and I am sitting in my room completely aware of the fact that there about 20-30 people in my house right now that I could be hanging out with, drinking with, being merry with, and I have every intention of staying in my dark room avoiding every fucking one of them.  I am tired of my family, to an extent I cannot even fully explain.  All three of my brothers that are home cause me nothing but problems and I am weary of it.  They don't realize it but are continually ganging up on me for ridicule and judgment.  What may seem like playful jokes to them is really cutting comments and backstabbing jabs.  When I call them on it (as in ONE individual on a particular item), not just one will speak up, but all that are present attack me.  Then, if I accidentally make a slip that is foolish or hesitate for one moment, they are on me like African Army Ants, whose jaws remain closed on you after they have snapped shut.*

I find myself inviting friends to invite over who will get my back if things get out of hand with my family.  I dislike traveling anywhere in the car w/ them if someone else is not present.  I really hate the fact that Hotchy seems to be the only one of my friends that has escaped ridicule.  Not that I want him to have ridicule, but I want my other friends to be able to avoid it.  I don't mean to their face either.  I mean behind their back, actively trying to make their time w/ us more miserable so that they won't hang out with us anymore.  I cannot recall EVER doing that to a single one of my brothers' friends, though I did recommend to Ben that he stop hanging out with that stoner that got his car stuck on big rock in our neighbor's yard.

Needless to say, Alex and I had an encounter on Friday and I would like to voice a complaint.  I told him about something my father had said to me about him at Taco Cabana (will be included in another entry), and he proceeded to freak out and refuse to hear anymore.  Once I gave up on telling him, he wanted to hear the rest of the story.  What started as me asking for my brother's advice, ended in me really disliking talking to Alex at all.  Needless to say, Alex has since talked to my Dad and how much he dislikes our father talking about people behind their backs.  When Dad asked him what had set him off, Alex proceeded to just say that I had told him and then followed it with "You should know, but if you don't, then never mind."  All of which I heard from my Dad after I burst into tears this morning thanks to my brothers. 

Christmas Eve is my favorite holiday of the entire year followed closely by Halloween.  My favorite holiday of the year.  I guess I sort of deserve it after fucking up St. Patrick's Day for Robyn, but I just really am upset over this one.  The year that my Mom banned us from doing luminarias was always considered the worst for me.  Today topped it.  I stayed up with my friends till 5 am, who I somehow convinced to help me, in order to fold about 500 bags for today.  From when I woke up my brothers were complaining.  Mind you, Dominic folded 24 bags TOPS.  My other brothers folded none.  My dad folded two.  Anyway, it is our last year to put them up because my Dad refuses (as I found out 15 minutes after waking up this morning) to put up any at the new house.  Our last time to do it, and my brothers not only work as slowly as possible, but complain more than I thought was possible.  After I got so upset that I cried (due to lack of sleep and frustration with them), Dad went out side and the following conversation ensued (which Dominic thought was humorous enough to put up on his away message.  Typical):

Dad - "Be quiet Ben this is the last year we have to do this"
 
Ben - "OH so did the Jews enjoy the final day of the holocaust?"

I am so upset at them all.  Needless to say, the wind picked up, which they celebrated because it meant we could stop since it would most likely be impossible to light them later anyway.  After dealing with my brothers, Dad, and John for the rest of the afternoon, I found myself hoping that luminaries would be a no-go as well.  I didn’t want to spend anymore time with them and I really just didn’t want to light the luminarias because then possibly I would be able to forget this horrendous year and move on with my life.

I really don’t think I will be coming back next year if at all avoidable.  When home, I miss my roommate, my team, the feeling that I was actually worth something. 

The little things-

Such as Alex taking basically the most important blanket in our entire house to someone else’s house for the night. Or…..

Chewie being ignored and then giving me Hell for actually bringing her out and treating her like the rest of our dogs.

The point is, I didn’t take anymore of Dominic’s crap a few minutes ago and we got into it physically.  I got the typical bad looks like “you’re older, be more mature,” but I cannot handle his ass-hole-ish way of communicating any longer.   He keeps cutting into my sentences to present his judgment early.  I am so used to debaters actually giving each other the respect to finish an argument, but all rules are off here.

Anyway, that’s the extent of my ranting on the family from Christmas Eve.  I will speak more in the upcoming hours, hopefully.

My life is a series of withdrawls and overdoses

Bi-polar is the easy way to put it.

Right now I am zoned out but so unhappy.  These meds have caused me nothing but grief.  I just want to be as focused as I was before but if I am then I risk death. 

I don't want somebody to love me
Just give me sex whenever I want it
'Cause all I ask for is instant pleasure
Instant pleasure, instant pleasure

I just want to die.  But I don't.  The battle of Natalie versus Nat is back, and the only one that got it is gone and I need to get over it but I can't.  HE WAS MY BEST-FRIEND and God damnit if I don't miss him.

::wipes away tear::

So there's this CD that Diane gave me for the road, and it is terrible.  I mean it is terribly painful for me to listen to it because there is not ONE song I dislike on it and 18 out of the 20 songs are new to me.  That means that Diane really gets me.  100 percent.  Further, based on the music, it means that I had a fairly good shot of getting her as well and really surprising her with it.  She posted on my wall asking if I was enjoying the CD, and the fact is that I loved it so much and it meant more to me than any gift has in a while that I have no words for it.  All I have is this blog entry, and I'm hoping it's good enough.  I have read her entries and what she was looking for in friends all semester, and the fact is that I was looking for the same thing.  I even told my friends back home that I was actively seeking it, but I just didn't have the time and had previous obligations to add more to it.  Josh and I talked about VI and were sad that Diane would be gone this upcoming semester and missing it just as it starts getting rolling for reals.

Diane will be gone next semester and I've missed my opportunity.

I know what she didn't say goodbye, and even though I was sad about it, I knew she wasn't going to, and I was glad for it, because I didn't really want to either.  If you don't say it, it isn't really goodbye.  So aloha Diane.  I will see you soon.

And when I do we shall have flea markets, poetry, music, and other things that other people never really got and that we didn't really share w/ each other either.