Bi-polar is the easy way to put it.

Right now I am zoned out but so unhappy.  These meds have caused me nothing but grief.  I just want to be as focused as I was before but if I am then I risk death. 

I don't want somebody to love me
Just give me sex whenever I want it
'Cause all I ask for is instant pleasure
Instant pleasure, instant pleasure

I just want to die.  But I don't.  The battle of Natalie versus Nat is back, and the only one that got it is gone and I need to get over it but I can't.  HE WAS MY BEST-FRIEND and God damnit if I don't miss him.

::wipes away tear::

So there's this CD that Diane gave me for the road, and it is terrible.  I mean it is terribly painful for me to listen to it because there is not ONE song I dislike on it and 18 out of the 20 songs are new to me.  That means that Diane really gets me.  100 percent.  Further, based on the music, it means that I had a fairly good shot of getting her as well and really surprising her with it.  She posted on my wall asking if I was enjoying the CD, and the fact is that I loved it so much and it meant more to me than any gift has in a while that I have no words for it.  All I have is this blog entry, and I'm hoping it's good enough.  I have read her entries and what she was looking for in friends all semester, and the fact is that I was looking for the same thing.  I even told my friends back home that I was actively seeking it, but I just didn't have the time and had previous obligations to add more to it.  Josh and I talked about VI and were sad that Diane would be gone this upcoming semester and missing it just as it starts getting rolling for reals.

Diane will be gone next semester and I've missed my opportunity.

I know what she didn't say goodbye, and even though I was sad about it, I knew she wasn't going to, and I was glad for it, because I didn't really want to either.  If you don't say it, it isn't really goodbye.  So aloha Diane.  I will see you soon.

And when I do we shall have flea markets, poetry, music, and other things that other people never really got and that we didn't really share w/ each other either.